Serge Poniatowski (Blatherskite’s chief celebrity interviewer): You go first Audrey
Audrey Zazou (head of Blatherskite’s Paris bureau): That’s amazingly polite Serge, OK, Victoria Beckham
Serge: Don’t be ridiculous, what’s she done? She’s a stick insect!
Audrey: No class, no style, that’s you Serge. …
Carla Bruni and Nicolas Sarkozy
The Bruni-Sarkozys are in court again, this time because a bag manufacturer in the French Indian Ocean island of Reunion has used a famous nude image of Carla on one of its Christmas wares.
The picture, taken …
Victoria B: Is that you Audrey? Where the hell have you been?
Audrey Zazou (head of Blatherskite’s Paris Bureau): Out
Victoria B: Out where? You’ve no right to be out when I want you!
Audrey: Now ‘ang on Victoria…
Victoria B: Oh I’m sorry …
Audrey Zazou (head of Blatherskite’s Paris Bureau): What did you fancy the most about rubbish English chef Gordon Ramsay?
Sarah Symonds (the alleged mistress of TV chef Gordon Ramsay): No comment
Audrey: Is that because Max Clifford ‘as told you to say …
That fine actor Pete Postlethwaite has taken a right old kicking, along with the rest of the production and director Rupert Goold, for his impersonation of Shakespeare’s King Lear at Liverpool’s Everyman Theatre.
The production has been savaged by the critics …
Carla Bruni-Sarkozy (first lady of France, in the Elysee palace): Sit down here Audrey, this is how we do it
Audrey Zazou (head of Blatherskite’s French Bureau): But that’s the president’s desk Carla
Carla: I know Audrey and, look, I can do …
Audrey Zazou (head of Blatherskite’s Paris bureau): Well Mr President it’s such an honour to interview you. Mr President?
George W Bush: Huh? Gimme another of those Diet Cokes
Audrey: Certainly sir, are you feeling OK?
Bush: Yeah, I’m fine. Who are you?
Audrey: …
Audrey Zazou (head of Blatherskite’s Paris Bureau): Aaargh!
Madonna: That’ll teach you to mention Guy xxxxxxx Ritchie! Now for a Chinese burn
Audrey: Mais, Madonna, I only wanted…ouch!
Madonna: So now you see why I go to the gym for four hours
Audrey: But …
Audrey Zazou (head of Blatherskite’s Paris Bureau): Mais alors, Tina, ‘ow do you do it at your age?
(Tina Turner’s burly minder): Where shall I throw her Miss Turner?
Audrey: Put me down you lump! I am always being man ‘andled by …
